I can’t make up stuff this good.

Like a cheesy “Sci-Fi Original Movie” the plot is so ridiculous you can almost envision the crappy acting, jerky camera, some guy in a furry suit chasing people, computer animation made by some guy who lives in his mom’s basement on a Tandy 1000, and the underground scenes shot in the same tunnel from different angles.

But alas, this is not the next great feature on Sci-Fi Saturday for which I would gladly accept the royalties. No ladies and gentlemen, this is real life. Australia is being overrun by… wait for it… wait for it… Poisonous Frogs!

See apparently, the Aussies (known for large knives and the Bloomin’ Onion) had a problem with beetles eating sugar cane so they brought in these poisonous toads from Hawaii to, I assume, eat the beetles. Well, apparently since they’re poisonous, any predator that tries to eat them dies (the script just writes itself) as the warts on their back secrete a “white milky toxin” known as bufotoxin (isn’t that whats in botox?).

Well now things have gone horribly wrong (cue the dramatic music here) as they rate of advancement has increased to 30km/year from 6km/year. The reason? They MUTATED! Newer frogs have legs 6% longer than average, presumably so they can cover more ground. If I were writing this script (you know instead of it being actually real) I would add maybe large jaws and fangs, super strength, obviously a taste for human flesh, and maybe intelligence… Picture the camera dramatically zooming in on the beautiful scientist played by Jessica Alba as she says “Oh my goodness! They figured out a way out of the trap! They are THINKING now!”

The governement has imposed several solutions including “Not In My Backyard Day” where residents are asked to kill as many frogs as they can by various methods including:

Federal MP Dave Tollner says that the toads deserve no mercy. “I suggested that people should hit them with golf clubs or cricket bats or, you know, lumps of wood, whatever was at hand.

“Other people have suggested that you should put them in a box and then gas them with the exhaust of your car. The RSPCA also suggests chemical euthanasia. “You know, to me it seems far easier just to flog them over the head with a lump of wood,” he says.

Australia’s RSPCA believes that these warty creatures are a menace and should be destroyed. It recommends that they be smeared with haemorrhoid cream. It contains a local anaesthetic that induces a coma. The toads are then placed in a freezer and the job is done humanely.

Well, as you might expect, whacking them with cricket bats, gassing them with exhaust from your car, and putting haemorrhoid cream on them didn’t have a great result. So now they have done what I would have done from the very beginning. Call in the guys with the guns. The Australian Army. Why waste time whacking a frog with a cricket bat when you could far more easily destroy it with a rocket launcher.

Of course, in the movie I would have to think of a reason why that wouldn’t work. Maybe the frogs have mind control too, so instead of shooting the frogs you shoot your neighbor instead. Maybe they’ve made an alliance with those beetles they were supposed to take care of. Hmmm. Maybe I should put this down on paper…